I really miss you today

You make your own happiness and thats the truth of it. When you get stuck in a rut remember that and build the way out, talk to people, talk to yourself in writing form. Draw it out. Do whatever you have to do to feel even the tiniest bit of relief. If you can't think even where to start then start with an adventure. It doesn't matter if it's to the top of arthurs seat because maybe you'll see something new or find a little peace for yourself. Take your camera and get some new shots. Say fuck it more often and just dive into things. I'll back you up even if it's something big and ridiculous. Remember that what ever it is that you're doing, if you don't force yourself to see the great bits then that would be the wasted day.

As for people, you're fucking incredible even when you're a grumbly hungry Kate, if they don't see you or treat you properly with respect then FUCK THEM. You're the bomb.

We have both had ruff waters and frankly we deserve to be happy. You have been one of the greatest things to have come into my life frankly, and i'm thankful to have you. Lets do some cool shit, together or apart COOL SHIT IS STILL COOL SHIT. 

You're favorite combination but it's just a shame that you can remove the rest for me. I want to feel your touch so badly on my skin, you're so gentle and you know exactly what I want. Always. I think most of all I miss the smile you wear when you're looking at me. Making you happy is the closest thing to my heart.

I'm lost on how to comminicate to you so many things.

Things like, when i see you i get a little twitchy feeling on top of my nerves so when i finally hug you at the train station or by my door, i feel myself tear up. But i never actually cry, maybe this time i will its been a long time. When you call me or even offer to call/facetime then it makes me so happy that you want to and that i'll hear your voice. I'd never want to assume you want/need my presence that just how i am, i don't like to assume anything, so every time i see that you do it means more than you'll know. On the time where you open up to me a little more, show me something new about you, things from the past that has effected you or anything really, it's like it holds you a little closer to me and i get to see more of you. Thats one of the most important things, seeing each other completely i think. I'd never want to have any secrets from you or untold stories. When i hurt you or even make you slightly sad seeing you that way is punishment enough, kills me seeing you cry or close yourself off. Which isn't a reason not to do it, i'll welcome it every time if it's important to you, it's important to me.There was this time when we where at the art gallerie in Edinburgh, i was there for a day trip, and you where walking up the stairs infront of me. I could help but look at you, and this is something you'll never believe i know, but you are so damn beautiful. Especially when you're happy, when you're giggling away having one of your laughing fits, you're the most beautiful to me. When i lost you that day, my hearts never dropped so fast and so painfully, it showed me how fucking intensely i loved you thats for sure. Simply i don't know how i'd be without you and thats scary, but i wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't have you any other way. The way you look at me with a little smile and it's the "i love you" look, if i ever wasn't the girl to have that i'd be devistated. If i'm being a bitch, and it feels like i'm hating on you, the likely hood is that is coming from fear some where. I'd never intentionally be awful to you. When we sleep together, it's not about the raw thing, its about being that close to you, making sure you know how much you're wanted and knowing you want me the same. Even if i shrug them off, the things you tell me and the compliments mean the damn world. You make me feel amazing. I'm not too sure sometimes if i'm loving you right, if i'm too much or too little. Any time you show me these things, let me in on what your thinking, you'd be confused why it means so much but it does. Be sure that you love me right, i trust you to do right by me.

I love you kate. 

You're becoming more and more a person who I admire, you always have been and it's one of the reasons that I fell in love with you. You push me to be more independent, see things in a different light and make damn sure that I'm on my toes treating you right as well. It's in writing so it won't mean half as much I don't think than if I could look you in the eyes and tell you so maybe I'll wait until I can. 

All i can do is love you and be there when you need me, in which ever form that may be.

The rest is up to you.

I'm not sure if i'm right or not but sometimes i wounder if theres a lot that plays through your mind that you will never share with anyone. Maybe because you don't want to or don't know how to tell someone else without them being able to see. I've noticed recently that you've been getting a lot of busy feet when you're just sitting or in bed, that kind of thing. That's all just my assumption. If it's true though, i hope that theres a space where you can empty yourself of it and share it with somebody so you don't have to carry all these things on your own.

In conjunction with that train of thought i wanted to let you know that if shit is stressing you out, wither it be money or you're just having a terrible day. You can always always, come and get it out of your system with me even though i'm not physically there.If you phoned me in a rage then i'd pick up and listen, you know? I care about you so much badger, anything that makes you feel better is worth while. There's no such thing as too much information haha.

I'd rather be holding you tight so falling asleep would be easier for you, have you cosy and bundled up in my arms. I'm kicking myself for not getting to FaceTime tonight because of timings, i've let you down a bit because you could have probably used it tonight.

I struggle with wanting you all the time, so please don’t mistake my silence for indifference. It’s just I have to hold myself back because I feel too much. Too often. If i let it all out then i would end up telling you ever single thought i'd had about you that day. All at once. When you're away i get so home sick from you and i let it get so ontop of me which is silly, because its an unchangeable situation, i can't help lying in bed at night awake thinking about how much i wish you where there with me. Sometimes the only thing that stops me getting on a train to Edinburgh is i'd get so horrendously lost trying to find your house. 

I want to appolagise, I'm now aware that I do tend to be a pain by pointing out some of your boys might be crushing on you. I think it is something that annoys you which is fair enough and I've realised I'm an ass for doing it. There your mates. If I'm straight to the point it's minor protectiveness. I do tend to view guys being really pally with girls as diving in which, is stupid and really quite shit of me. I'm working on it big style, as well as needing less reassurents. 

Wanted you to know that I'm sorry kate.

I didn't want to say this out loud because I wouldn't be able to say it properly so you'd get it. You know when we where talking about when I said ' you're only using me for my flat' I think you maybe thought I was trying to say you shouldn't be doing anything in Glasgow without me there. That it botheres me of you do. It struck a nerve and I know being open with you about that is alright. It was the fact you'd questioned what I told you as if what I said wasn't what I ment. You really need to know that I've got no other motive. What I say, Is what I mean. 

It's important for you to know that so you know every time you ask me something important, that what comes out of my mouth is 100% my thoughts. I can be so free when I speak to you.

And I know, sometimes I tell you I'm fine when you can tell I'm not. I'm still figuring out what to say, it tends to be when I open my mouth I don't have the chance to finish what I'm saying.There's already someone speaking...

(Side note: that's the norm I don't feel as though you do, I'm still getting used to the fact you do listen, you want to know and you'll get it, you know?)

It means so much to me when you sit & listen and you still feel like you're in the room with me. Sure I get it I do tend to take the long road around with my stories, they aren't really that interesting. I love it when people ask questions, it can make or break a day. Now I'm just waffling but when I tell you these things I feel better. Don't feel like they are aimed at you the last bit I'm just emptying the head haha. 

I'm in this for you and only you.

I'm not sure why really but i think it could be mostly down to hormones but eh, I'm so worried for no apparent reason really, that i'm going to lose you. And i'm not sure how or in what way i think i will but i can't bare the thought. That is something i never even want to think about but i can't seem to push it out of my head today. I spose i've missed you a tonne over the past few days if i'm honest. Walking about the places we go, coming home and half expecting you to be there to cuddle up with. I really hate it when i get like this because all i want is to chill out about it and just go with the flow. I know theres no way of knowing whats going to happen.

This mght not make sense but i've always felt like i'm not really 'built' to fit with people for very long. Maybe this will come off in very much a self pitying way but you know me well enough by now to know that or atleast believe that i'm really being genuinly honest. You fit me so well, you're the perfect compliment to my insecurities and you don't take any of my shit. You're gentle and i really get the feeling that any time i get jealous it's my bad or it's going to be my bad because you have a good heart, you are loyal. Oh the puns.  

All i can do is pray that you feel the same, and hey if you don't then i can always say i gave it my best shot. That is all you'll ever have from me is my best shot because you don't deserve anything that isn't in at the deep end, i'm fucking crazy about you, i'll fight for you even when it's a bit hopless. I will love you like this regardless of if you love me and i suppose that is either brave or stupid. If i angle for either because they are probably the same thing really but i don't care you've always been worth the chance. It's taken me a while to be able to spit all this out.

 Every moment i've spent with you since you where at the commie games, meeting your family and spending time listening to what makes you tick, makes me love that piece of you. Now i love you more than i know what to do with and i want to phone you right now to tell you all this but i don't want you to forget the words. If there is ever a time when you need to remember them, then they are right here for you. 

 

I've got to appolagise, you saw my arm i think even though i for some reason assumed it wouldn't be obviouce. Hey, you don't have to worry i promise. Genuinly i'm quite good at looking after myself, i was just mad and old habbits die hard right? Be secure in the fact that if anything is really wrong or i need you then i'll come to you. You're my safety and there is nothing i feel like i can't tell you. I'll never shut you out and if i do then i will bring myself around to telling you because i know far too well that it is so detramental to do that. 

Im working on it and that's the best I can do with the situation. There are some things that I will put two and two together and get six, most likely stuff like I asked you last night. I do think you should know that I don't see it as anything other than my shit and my fault because most every time you'll have done not a thing wrong. I figured out a solution which is basically just working on my confidence again so I'm not quite so terrified of losing you for no apprent reason. It means as well that you won't have to reassure me haha. It's never a question really because you're as sold as this as I am and you wouldn't. You just wouldn't and I deffinetly know this. I hope you can forgive the times I get myself into a mess, I've never had someone as good to me and for me as you are. I care about you more than anything though so I will do my best with it. 

I wanted you to find this I didn't want to bring it directly to you because you know, shit is more adventurous this way. Wilderness explorer. 

It might not be a big deal but hey it's important to tell you if I'm looking at you in a kinda way which makes me mentally go 'I love you' and to me it is a big deal. I'm so proud of you for sticking to your guns on the job front even though you're under pressure from your dad and daily not okey with the fact you have broken up days. Instead of being Myserable and you're finding something you love, I respect you for it and it's mint you strive to make you're self happy. It's a quality I love in you. You're amazing. 

In first days of your life there's a line that goes " maybe this time it's different, I mean I really think she likes me" which is why I play it to a sleeping badger.

I've been thinking about you a lot today, it's night that every time I Look at my iPod I see your grin looking at me haha. If you want to I'd love to hear about your day, even if I don't have internet. It's weird I know but I just like knowing what you've been pottering about doing - liked you'd catch me up on if we saw each other. I didn't realise I'd made you jealous, and I should have been more mindful of it but let me know these things. I love you. 

No pressure, keep looking for a job that makes you happy untill you find it! If it helps at all you've got my backing. 

I couldn't forget about you

You don't have to base anything on results, if you want to you can but you don't have to - sure it feels like shit though. You worked for it of course it does..Exams are just being able to remember things and that doesn't really seem to take much skill. The year isn't wasted because hey you found exactly what you didn't want to do and found your rowing fam in that. You lived some place new, it's all about the experience eh? Maybe there isn't a lot of direction just now but I believe in you, and I'll support you through what ever you figure out because you will. As will all the people who love you will. You're far far away from being without prospects, trust life a little bit and I know that sounds stupid haha but you have to trust something right. Where ever you are is where you're supposed to be for one reason or the other, thought it was bullshit too but it always seems to turn out that way. 

The kate i see is damn fantastic, you tell me about the people you know that can hold a conversation on pretty much anything or the ones that are really interesting. I'm not sure you realise you're one of these people too, you've got skill coming out of your ears girl! You're photography is beautiful and it is that way because you pour so much of yourself into it. Swamped with tumblr fans because of it! To be honest there isn't much practically that you're not good at. To me that's the best kind of smart, knowing how to remember words from a book and spew them out into a piece of paper. The worlds fucked in that is what value is supposedly placed on. Well it's not. You hold your own bubs and I'm proud of you. 

You're maybe feeling like total shit today and that's unavoidable sometimes. I hope you know that how ever bad you feel about yourself that there's more than one person who thinks you're mint! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and don't let it ruin too many days. You will figure it out and nope maybe not tomorrow but then there's the day after so you're all good. As long as you're trying then you'll get there babe. 

Came into my room and usually I'm glad of it's quietness but I don't know, I've gotten use to there being a kate there and there wasn't, and it didn't seem right. My bed feels huge without you. I guess what I'm trying to say is I wish you where here, at the same time I'm glad your back home because you'll be happier there without having to deal with flatmates and what not. I'm panicing a little bit and i have no idea why, i feel so safe when you're around me or in the morning and i wake up to see you sleeping next to me.

It's like i said last night

You don't have to be anything for me, i'll take the Kate that comes everytime. If your upset then i'll probably be a dick and tell you everything will be fine because it's the only solution my head presents and it eventually will be. But I don't know, its perfectly okey to be fucked up if thats how you're feeling at that particular time. 

If theres ever an oppertunity for you to look at me will a grin on your face then shit, i'll take it. You'll have to forgive me for the times it doesn't work.

4:12am

I had a brain wave just now when i woke up expecting you to be next to me and you weren't. I always miss you being there and usually it's the opposite. The usual thing was that with anyone else, even Angus, i can never really sleep but with you it's not the case. You're just so comfy and you don't seem mind that i'm probably a pretty needy sleeper and always want to be in contact. You're just different. In so many ways. When i got your message tonight about not reading your snaps untill you told me, i genuinly thought you where going to finish things with me or tell me something horrible had happened. Then it turned out to be the sweetest thing and i love that you did it! I'm not sure what i did to deserve you but holy shit, you're just one of the best things that has ever happened to me. 

Click on me - because adele sais it much better than i could

Okey, I admit it

Silly stuff like this girl catbrambles does make me a little jealous. When we where talking about it that's my only other time, not in a big way though in a 'I will give this some serious evils' when you where drunk I asked you about it and I was like "she's obsessed with you" and you said well I'm obsessed with her too. Makes me wriggle with nerves.

Think it's alright right though, because it's jealous without a root and i know it's just me being a fool. We will call it the funny kind of jealous because you're allowed to take the piss out of this one. Give me time love, i'm a work in progress. You're the first person i've been this close to that hasn't totally smashed me. I'm still learning kate :) 

If you ever question how I feel about you just look at that picture of you down by the waterfall, it should tell you everything you need to know. 

Dear Kate,
                 Please remove your clothes and get over here pronto..


Kthnbbz
Kirsty

I think this is my favourite picture of you, it's so vogue.

I'm hoping

That on your bad/shitty/turd infested days that you let me know in some way so that i can attempt to make them better. Ah man i know it doesn't sound good to read but bare with because i can think of a better way to word it, but i'd honestly do point blank near anything to make you feel better. You grinning away at me makes my day even if im not about to see it.

No filter

I'm not sure if you know it or not so I'll put it out there so you're in no doubt, I really (really, really) like you. And it's down to nothing other than you. It's perfectly okey if you don't think the same, be as honest as you can with me about that much. Of course I hope that you do but I don't think it's a given. But the sure thing untill I either work out if you do or not, is I'm not planning on having anything else with other girls. In all honesty they wouldn't compare, you're just brilliant and I'm not to shy to admit that I'm falling for you a bit.

I would deffinetly take you to see my grandad, and my mum for that matter. 

Bad dreams

Thought that I wouldn't be able to explain in person without getting overly emotioal about it so, it's pretty grim so if you don't want to read it then honestly don't feel you have to. It's a heavy one. I'm not sure why but I wanted to tell you, I hope that's okey.

About three years ago, a girl I played rugby with for years and a close friend was killed, the dream is just what the image of it happening looks like in my head. I'd not spoken to Eilli's best mate in a while so I messaged her and we where chatting just generally, then she disappeared for a bit and came back. The only thing she was saying was Ellis dead over and over again but we didn't know it was actually true because nobody was giving a clear answer. Stayed up with her the whole night, then in the morning the traffic was all backed up outside the house because they shut off the motorway. It was all over the news and the news papers. Horrific for her family, generally horrific. Nobody knew why she was there but they suspect she was drunk and fell into the road, there must have been seven or eight drivers that got taken in by the police because they had all hit her. Claimed they had thought she was "road kill" which makes my blood boil. One of those things that just sticks you know? It's not easy to let go of but I don't know. She was a seriously wacky one, there was one time we were playing a match and the scrum collapsed ontop of me. I felt someone grab my feet and drag me out backwards from underneath, elli was standing there with a stupid grin on her face. She said something along the lines of saved your from the fatties haha. 

You looked really good last night when we went out to dinner, which is what I wanted to say when I took the piss about your unironed shirt. 

30th April 2014

On the list of things you said that you wanted to sit outside at night and watch the world go by because you'd never done it. Tonight i did, with you in mind with the thought that maybe at some point at a ridiculous other time you will join me, you're snoozing just now so i thought doing it will you in mind was the next best thing right? It's some form of logic i promise and deffinetly a strange night time expoloit that would be better with your company. There's a chance you had another nightmare tonight and i thought maybe in the morning if you had something to take your mind off it, then it would ease the impact they have on you, even a little.

 I'm sorry, because i know i really do say too much sometimes but i um, thought it can't be a bad thing for you to know anyway even if i mess up. If you ever need anything and there is no one to call then i'll be around, if you needed to go for a wander at three in the morning - then still. 

That kind of anything!

 I don't know, you deserve it even if it's the little bit of extra mile stuff. What ever you have done then that still stands, i don't do things by halfs and when i say i'll be there i mean for keeps. You can monumentally fuck up if you like it doesn't matter, i can already see that you're one of the genuinly good ones. Having said that you should know that i don't expect anything back from you. It's not a case of saying this because i want something back, you deserve the loyalty and i care about you, which is the begining and end to it. No hidden agenda. Anything you choose to throw my way will be appriciated more than you'll know, the care you've already showed me seriously means a lot girl and i can't even begin to explain but it doesn't need to be,  thankyou.